The War on Dickheads

This book/website is dedicated to the millions of good hearts
around the world 
who are doing their tiny bit to fight evil.

 

Mike Vincent is a non award-winning Australian journalist living in New Zealand who self published his first book The War on Dickheads in 2016. He describes it as attempted satire but it is probably just a collection of rants and cheap shots from his radio shows Rock Dinosaurs and Radio Jimi Hendrix on www.bigriverfm.co.nz. Several more volumes have been done since.

 

There has been a wide range of reactions and reviews of the book. Most of them have been in English.

The New York Times: Mike who?

Mike Vincent: Mike Vincent is much funnier than British writer Monty Python.

The London Times: it went straight into our rubbish bin.

Mike Vincent’s ex wife: he was a dickhead then and he’s a dickhead now.

Pravda: if you bother us again we will pass your name on to the KGB.

Mike Vincent’s late mother: he is the most brilliant and talented person on the planet and I’ve said a million times I never exaggerate.

Le Monde: we know not of what you speak.

Mike Vincent: hilarious… a great read 24/7… an exceptional mind… the king of wit Oscar Wilde will be gnashing his teeth with jealousy.

The Sydney Morning Herald: f… off.

Mike Vincent: a comedic colossus. A literary masterpiece. This could be the start of an important new philosophical movement.

Anonymous: I should sue Mike Vincent for the cost of surgery I required after reading his blockbuster and actually splitting my sides laughing.

 

(This list magically grows from time to time)

*Forget about silent majority sheeple and shallow-as-a-birdbath politicians. It’s obvious only artists can save the human race.

*For God’s sake stand up to silent majority zombies, the greedies, the war mongers and the eco vandals. For the sake of our grandchildren.

*The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy, but maybe it’s to have fun.

*Stand up to the silent majority zombies who are sleepwalking to human extinction.

*To quote the famous American philosopher George W. Bush: every cloud has its ups and downs.

*There are two kinds of people. Givers and takers. Sadly, most are takers. Which is why humans are doomed.

*Only artists can save the human race. The world’s so-called leaders are too busy fuelling hatred and conflict, and counting and stacking their money with their scaly hands.

*The bad thing about politicians is: they are all tip and no iceberg. The good thing about politicians is: one day they are roosters, the next day they are feather dusters.

*To quote the famous American philosopher George W. Bush: it’s a different kettle of fish, um……..  ………………………………………. er ……………………………………….. when you have bigger fish to cook.

*Life is pluses and minuses. The trick is to have a long list of pluses, and to reduce the list of minuses by as much as possible.

*I plan to do a documentary on the silent majority in New Zealand and Australia. It’ll be called “Dumb and Dumber”.

*We all keep coming to forks in the road all the time. One sign reads Intelligent Road. The other sign reads Dumb Road.

*Let’s baroque and roll.

*Ignore negative nitpicking knockers.

*Apart from psychopaths, everybody deserves to be cherished. People who tolerate not being cherished must have low self esteem.

*If Bob Dylan is not awarded the Nobel Literature Prize, there shouldn’t be a Nobel Literature Prize.

*Clearly, US President Barack Obama should not have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. It was a premature, dumb decision which left the Nobel committee with egg on its face. If Obama had any integrity he would hand back the prize.

*There are two kinds of people. Givers and takers. Sadly, givers are few and far between. Givers are in stark contrast to people like Bill Gates whose motto is bugger you Jack, I’m alright.

*What a tragedy that America’s first black president turned out to be worse than a lightweight, a featherweight.

*The art world is full of phony baloney show ponies who know the price of everything and the value of nothing, and are so far up themselves they’re almost out the other side.

*When you hear old, white, rich, male right wing extremists frothing at the mouth on radio and television, it’s proof that empty vessels make the most noise.

*America’s never-ending wargasm is understandable. Many of its corporations would go broke if there was peace.

*Some of us think human evolution has stopped, and that we now have devolution, with people becoming dumber. People are becoming sheeple.

*How Bob Dylan hasn’t been awarded the Nobel Literature Prize is a bigger mystery than what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

*FFS people go on and on about the invasion of Iraq by America and its bootlickers because it cost tens of thousands of lives and billions of dollars, but PHEW at least it proved there were no weapons of mass destruction.

*I have some sympathy for accused misogynist Donald Trump. The huge number of TV channels is confusing and perhaps he thinks Two And A Half Men is a documentary.

* Knighthoods are infantile and belong to Ye Olden Tymes. They remind me of the Monty Python Holy Grail film. New Zealand ceased to be a bootlicking British colony a very long time ago, yet we are overrun with Sirs and Dames. If we need to fertilise the egos of rich/famous/powerful people we could simply add VIP after their names.

* Vincent’s Law of Greedivity: the more money we get the more we exponentially spend.
M² = S³

* Ignore bible bamboozlers. Whether or not you believe in God just KIS (Keep It Simple): Jesus preached love, humility and charity.

* Politics sucks the morals out of people.

* In politics, pragmatism is a sugar coated word for selling out.

* Most people are decent but too many are seduced by materialism.

* I pronounce it tomarto but then I say potayto. Perhaps I should say potarto. Or should I say tomayto? Meantime global warming worsens.

* Here’s a novel idea to solve America’s so-called Security Problem. Have a 1-year break from bombing other countries.

*  Who will win the Global Warming Challenge: humans or Mother Nature? My money is on the latter.

* The human uncivilisation’s history of constant conflict and using scientific advances for warfare indicate a level of intelligence incapable of preventing a catastrophe like global warming.

* It’s impossible to definitively explain why works of art affect us. They mystically resonate with something inside each individual. Self appointed critics who proclaim good and bad art are vulgar egotists. One of the greatest songwriters Jimi Hendrix said you don’t play the blues, you feel it.

* Stravinsky was an envious buffoon for saying Vivaldi didn’t compose 400 concertos but one concerto 400 times. That’s like saying The Beatles wrote one song 200 times.

* Politicians are not as clever as they think they are. And not as clever as voters think they are.

* Being clever is no guarantee of being intelligent.

* Good people must always stay true to their principles and never let them be watered down by other people.

* Never let people with dark hearts darken your heart.

* There are millions of good decent Americans but their government was hijacked by a morally-bankrupt money-addicted plutocracy a long time ago.

* The election of Donald Trump as US president was a logical consequence of America’s long-time plutocratic system of government.

* It’s incredible that America goes out of its way to be disliked. Clearly, wealth and power don’t guarantee happiness.

* The meaning of life. Watching sunrise or sunset in the countryside when there’s some cloud, while listening to Vivaldi. The greatest art show on Earth.

* Governments always show their “caring” side in election year, miraculously finding money for health, education, the environment and tax cuts etc. We should have elections every year.

* Corporations and their purchased political puppets get away with blue murder because many voters are………. um……… simple folk.

* It’s silly to envy others. You never know what’s going on behind their facade.

* Technical shmechnical. Neil Young and Van Morrison are not virtuosos when playing their beloved guitar and saxophone respectively but WOW who cares when you hear their passion.

* Do people who say kilOMetres also say kilOGrams?

* A class system is essential – so people know their place. In fact, we need even more nobility (or “nobs” for short).

* A sign that New Zealand is losing its renowned heart and soul is the epidemic of brand new wankmobiles on the road.

* Morons rule, not OK.

* Helping foreign millionaires to evade tax, launder money and double New Zealand house prices is a spectacular example of Kiwi Ingenuity.

* Vincent’s Snowball Principle. After you put a little effort into pushing a snowball down a hill it gathers its own momentum. Ditto the brain. After you start thinking about a problem the brain subconsciously, fantastically works on a solution. You just have to be patient.

* I will be really pissed off when I don’t wake up one day and can no longer listen to my 66 CD Vivaldi box set.

* It’s a shame that some people seem to just fill in time until they die.

* People are not reliant on churches to know right from wrong. But sometimes churches are reliant on people to know right from wrong.

* I thought Neanderthals became extinct 40,000 years ago.

* There are lots of good decent people but not many have hearts of gold. Is it 1% of the population? In New Zealand that would be 40,000 purehearts. Hmmm. Perhaps it’s point-1%.

* The US military is a private army for American corporations, paid for by taxpayers. It’s a simple but ingenious scam. The greater the conflict, the greater the taxpayer funded corporate profits, disguised as “national security”.

* For thousands of years just one, racist word has been used to con the public into waging war: patriotism.

* We have no control over random events like bad luck, but we have total control over our response to them.

* Wanted (urgently): intelligent (not clever) visionary leaders.

*  Many people expect fibs from politicians but when you see a pathological liar in action it takes your breath away.

* Money AND morals? Or lots of money and no morals?

* Human ego is hilarious. To get from one side of our galaxy to the other takes 100,000 years travelling at the speed of light (300,000 kilometres a second). And there are billions of galaxies! Actually, human ego is laughable.

* US corporations and their political worker bees have become addicted to war porn.

* The United States of Guns (and its dumb bootlickers) will continue to be war junkies unless Americans stop corporations from running their country.

* Mother Nature gives us the greatest treasures we’ll ever see – for free – and in return we freely crap on her.

* It’s sad but not daunting that so many people are callous.

* Thomas Jefferson (US president 1801-1809) warned that banks are a bigger threat to freedom than armies. Why do so many people willingly choose to be financial slaves?

* Crises? What crises?

* The rising sea level will mean fewer beaches for people to stick their heads in the sand.

* The rising sea level will be excellent for inland house prices as ocean views gradually appear.

* Do “the good guys” really exist? Over the years the western media have condemned human rights abuses in China, Russia, Africa, South America and Middle East countries like Iran, Iraq, Libya and Syria. But only one country has actually dropped an atomic bomb on a city. And another city three days later.

* We obviously need some money to survive, but it’s death-wish insanity that gold fever is wiping out common sense at this critical time in human history. Does the human species have a self-destruct gene?

* People who say Mother Nature is more beautiful here or there are idiots.

*Many elections are a charade, with governments quagmired in debt and incompetence, and effectively run by bankers.

* Ungracious losers are obviously obnoxious, but much worse are ungracious winners.

* Human survival depends more than ever on world leaders suppressing their egos. Trouble is – a humble politician is an oxymoron.

* Old age. The grateful treasured feeling of finally being out of the worker bee rat race climbing the ladder to nowhere, and having an abundance of quality time for contemplation. True freedom for the spirit.

* RIGHT WING stands for Racism Ignorance Greed Hatred Tax cuts for the rich Warmongering Immorality Nastiness Gutter media.

* Some people use up precious air for no good reason. Just saying.

* Dear God! Please make idiots go away! I beg you! PS! Sorry about all the exclamation marks! I love them! But possibly I overdo it!

* The indifference out there is disappointing, so it’s best to focus on what you can do, and not on what others are not doing.

* Friends (and even loved ones) come and go, sometimes depending on how “successful” you are. Your best, unwavering friend will always be you.

* Baby Boomer greyhaired greedies: many, or just a few? Whatever it is they can’t be accused of selling out. Although lots of idealistic young people took part in things like anti-war protests in the 1960s, the vast majority of Baby Boomers did not.

* Experts estimate 2-5% of people are psychopaths/sociopaths who are (among other things) compulsive liars and cheats obsessed with power. It would be fascinating to know the percentages for political, corporate and military leaders.

* It’s a pity the political and corporate leaders who are apathetic about Global Warming won’t live to see the major consequences of their stupidity and treachery. Sadly, their grandchildren will.

* I’m grateful to the Western news media for simplifying the complex world of geopolitics for me. I now know the US and Britain are the good guys and never lie, and Russia and China are the bad guys and always lie.

* As soon as I hear a victorious politician make the childishly phoney claim “I am humbled” I know I made the correct decision in not voting for her/him.

* Experts estimate that 2-5% of people are psychopaths/sociopaths. In tiny New Zealand that’s up to 200,000 people who can fake niceness but are basically evil and couldn’t care less about anyone else. Get the smelling salts!

* The bad news about global warming: no more family skiing trips during school holidays. The good news about global warming: home saunas, for free.

* The vastness, complexity and grandeur of the universe is so overwhelming, so mysterious, a belief in God is understandable. But televangelist gibberish is not.

* Do people who say kilOMetres also say millIMetres and centIMetres?

* There are more knights in New Zealand than you can poke a lance at.

* Almost everything in New Zealand is iconic, according to the melodramatic media. Perhaps this book/website is iconic!

* Pet hates. I used to hate hearing people start a sentence with “Um”. But there’s a new pervasive villain. I’ll take “Um” any day rather than listen to seemingly intelligent people begin a sentence with “So”.

* Pet hates. Jingoism. I’m a proud Earthling.

*A lot of news IS fake.

The news – and its prominence – is selected by someone who decides if a story is newsworthy and how it should be presented (in their opinion).

Much important news is overlooked through ignorance, indifference, bias or laziness – or is considered boring (in some media person’s opinion).

Much news is one-sided jingoism/propaganda.

Much news is regurgitated media releases from vested interests pushing a biased viewpoint.

Much news is someone’s opinion on an issue whether or not it’s accurate (e.g. police always exonerate an officer straight after a police shooting before an inquiry has even been announced!).

Much international news is government/spy agency propaganda (when media quote “high level sources” they are often reporting lies).

And of course there’s the morally and intellectually devoid tabloid media that pathologically reports lies and fiction.

*This may reveal me as an awful person but when I hear that a vile politician, corporate boss or media loudmouth has suffered adversity I think of The Three Stooges and their immortal line “Nyuk nyuk nyuk”.

*Some Kiwis pronounce their country as “New Zilland” which is a shame because zeal is a beautiful, vibrant word.

*Reality television. I think of Bob Dylan’s lyrics “Searching high searching low, asking the cops wherever I go, have you seen dignity?”

*The melodramatic media loves using the word “tragedy” when covering the witless world of celebrities. A celebrity tragedy is Jimi Hendrix dying at 27. And John Lennon assassinated at 40. A tragedy is Mozart dying at 35. Ditto an impoverished 37 year old Van Gogh who could no longer bear to be a financial burden on his loving brother.

*Whether it’s at work or home or socially, why continue to get upset when someone behaves like they’ve always behaved? Perhaps it’s time for a change.

*John Lennon wrote the song “Instant karma”. It’d be brilliant if karma was real. It doesn’t have to be instant!

*Seriously, there are too many dimwits.

*Some people see life as a battle requiring conflict with others so they always “win”. Others find ways to have harmony in their lives, but may be considered weak. It’s obvious who the real winners are.

*When we allow stress to build up, problems can seem much worse then they really are, way out of proportion. The solution may not require a dramatic change but a piece-of-cake fine tuning.

*A fantastic form of therapy requires just a pencil, rubber and piece of paper.

*One key to a happy life is having zero expectations of people. Then, when we are given kindness and thoughtfulness, expressing our gratitude is even more enjoyable.