*Real estate agents (bless them). As much as I adore Mother Nature’s gifts there is absolutely not one view in the whole wide world that I would be willing to die for.
*Ego trips down Memory Lane. It’s fun seeing children receive medals and ribbons for their achievements, but shouldn’t we have outgrown trophies by adulthood?
*Hypocrisy: politicians (who start wars) sparing a few minutes to attend war glorification ceremonies cynically designed to keep alive the myth that people will be treasured if they die for their country. Again, exploiting gullibility.
*You wonder how some families got their names! Australian sport has had some gold medal surnames including Longbottom, Sidebottom, Winterbottom, Wincup (a champion racing driver), Roughead, Woodhead, Goldsack, Lillywhite, Caterer, Badman, Crooks, Goodfellow, Goodchild, Fairchild, and Crapp.
*There’s an old joke that if your surname is Pipe don’t name your son Dwayne.
*We are assured there is a God. If so, I wonder how God feels about the British government turning people into “Lords”.
*Actually, it’s easy being green. A paler shade of green is even easier, and still invaluable. Tree-hating troglodytes won’t be sneering much longer.
*Sustainability. Sceptics might say it’s just another devious corporate marketing scam concerned only with profit sustainability.
*Left-wing or right-wing, extremists are scarily irrational, whether or not they are worked up.
*You wish ex politicians like Bill Clinton, George Bush junior and Tony Blair would just go away. They had their chance and blew it. But no, they keep popping up, boring us with how they really do have integrity, are not serial liars, blah blah blah. Like all egomaniacs they have a mental disorder called SDS – Spotlight Deprivation Syndrome.
*Smart Phone packaging should display this warning: “If you are dumb you will still be dumb even if you use this phone”.
*I was having my weekly Big Day Out $10 lunch at a restaurant when a young woman with a baby answered her “smart” phone at the table next to me. Here’s part of the conversation.
“Are you pregnant?”
(inaudible)
“Then why is my baby sucking his toe?”
(inaudible)
“But why is my baby sucking his toe?”
(inaudible)
“But why is my baby sucking his toe?”
At this point in this Seinfeld-like moment I wanted to yell out “Because he’s fucking hungry! He thinks it’s your nipple!”
Instead I took a deep breath, imagined a tranquil rainforest, and with all the dignity I could muster I whispered “These people are allowed to vote”.
*Alcoholics are supposed to make amends. So should smartarses. I would like to apologise to all my former work colleagues who kindly wished me a good weekend or a happy holiday and I oh-so-wittily replied “Okay, thanks, I will now”.
*We try our best but life is complicated and mistakes are a given. We shouldn’t be too tough on ourselves. And pursed lips/ furrowed brow/ tut tutting criticism by others is just hot air passing by.
*The government only wants to talk about the good bits. The opposition only wants to talk about the bad bits. The infantile shock/horror news media only want to press our buttons. Yet they have the gall to criticise us for not engaging in the immature Real Housewives-like inanity called politics.
*Dogs are inspirational, in all sorts of ways. Have you ever seen a labrador not thoroughly enjoying life? I’m not aware of any evidence but I’m certain labradors never wake up in a bad mood.
*Dignity and ego trips. Many famous people have politely turned down a knighthood. Many others who enjoy being called called “Sir” and “Dame” obviously don’t think they come across as pretentious dickheads.
*A healthy, under-control ego is great for self-confidence. But when you see an unhealthy, out-of-control ego (insert your own examples here)………… goodness gracious me! The word “cringe” springs to mind.
*A delightful dilemma. Listening to Vivaldi does something magical to my brain, and ideas flourish. As I’m furiously writing down this creative gift before I forget one morsel, half an hour can go by and I realise this majestic music has gone in one ear and out the other. So I replay the CD, hoping the ideas stop for a while!
*Masterpieces like Electric Ladyland and Houses of the Holy (insert your own examples here) also can’t be background music, obviously. It’s be a waste of electricity.
*Vincent’s Theory on Creativity. Try standing under a shower for inspiration. The droplets are not simply hitting the scalp but massaging it, stimulating the brain cells. If my theory is proved by scientists the Nobel Prize should go to them, not me. And anyway, I’m anti trophies.
*Whenever I catch a glimpse of TV news and newspapers I…… (sigh) …… well, it shouldn’t be called The News. It’s be more accurate to call it The Blah Blah Blah. “It’s 6 o’clock, here is The Blah Blah Blah”.
*Life is pluses and minuses, and obviously we want the list of minuses to be as short as possible. But minuses can be helpful. For some bizarre reason my parents sent me to a military college to finish high school. And so at the age of 16 at least I knew the career I didn’t want!
*Ultimate hypocrisy (and betrayal): old politicians bringing in conscription to force young men to go off to fight yet another cretinous and criminal war and boost corporate profits.
*Some people think my comments about politicians are too harsh, even cruel. The sun will never rise in the west and a politician’s feelings will never be hurt. Especially if they are a sociopath, and there’s every chance of that because politics is perfect for these power lusters. The only time politicians are bothered by criticism is if it damages their public approval rating.
*Hearts of gold. We’ll never know who these people are because they don’t tell the media about their wonderful deeds.
*The bad news about war: lots of men, women and children get killed.
The good news about war: lots of men get rich.
*Don’t be ridiculous, Hitlergate could never happen again! Really? For thousands of years good but not very courageous people have turned a blind eye to evil. When unforeseen circumstances lead to a tipping point an unstoppable moronic mob mentality can quickly gain momentum.
*One of life’s special experiences is meeting people who don’t have a mean bone in their body. They have a radiance.
*Many greyhaired greedies have made a fortune from artificially inflated house prices. And – bless them – they’ve further added to the “booming economy” charade by littering the roads with brand new “look how well we’ve done just be sitting on our arse” luxury cars.
*Oh well, it’s not the end of the world. Yet.
*Kind words are lovely but kind acts are heart and soul gifts.
*The glut of extreme right-wing media-windbags is inspiring. If dickheads like that can make big money, anyone can.
*I don’t wish to be rude to me but I have a big enough challenge living with myself let alone with another person.
*The human spirit is incredible. When you read about courageous people – going back thousands of years – no matter how tough life gets and how blue we feel, we really are capable of somehow digging just a tiny bit deeper for the strength to struggle on.
*Back to dickheads. There should be some sort of written test – like a driver’s licence – to stop dickheads getting into parliament.
*Undoubtedly U M I T R O A E. And I try to avoid cliches like the plague.
*Speaking of money, there’s an old joke that you can get favourable media publicity simply by offering journalists a free lunch. Actually, it’s true.
*Memo to politicians: not everyone aspires to own a luxury car. No, seriously. Many of us think it’s ostentatious and a dopey waste of money. I know this sounds really silly but parents mostly want top-quality education, like the wealthy expect and get at private schools.
*The upside of a top-quality education system: fewer dimwits.
The downside of a top-quality education system: fewer jobs for liars to exploit dimwits.
*The constant election of mediocre men as U.S. president isn’t the fault of millions of American voters. Mind you, the defeated candidates could’ve turned out to be just as bad.
*Listening to Bach’s amazing organ covers of Vivaldi’s concertos at 5am while gazing at the stars and the occasional international flight heading for Auckland – and imagining how tired but excited the passengers are – is hardly conducive to a relationship, but goodness gracious me it’s enjoyable.
*Seriously, what hope is there for humans. I’m fascinated by a Christian television channel that relentlessly attacks the Catholic Church as the anti-Christ. I’ll have to look elsewhere for love and peace!
*Where are the passionate politicians? The only world leader I recall having anything like fire in the belly in recent decades was Bill Clinton when he angrily denied having sex with a young female employee. Unfortunately he was acting. And lying.
*The advertising industry is just doing its job, tempting us to buy more stuff. Sure, they’ve devious and it’s not work I’d like to do to make a buck, but no-one forces us to be materialistic.
*Witnessing inter-religion trash talk is astonishing, shocking. It’s there for all to see every day on religious TV channels. The enmity has nothing to do with God (whether or not there is one). Without getting big heads we should be grateful that perhaps our own personal values are not too bad, in comparison.
*Luxury car sales everywhere are booming. Gun sales in America are booming. Goody goody gumdrops.
*Sorry, but there’s only a certain amount of money available for government spending on health, education, and the environment – especially as the rich keeping getting, er, richly deserved tax cuts. And of course we must have record spending on the military to protect corporations. Sorry, I meant all of us.
*Chips on the shoulder weigh us down literally, stunting our well-being. It’s sad that many people choose to live in a joyless twilight world of grudges and resentment.
*The problem with statues of famous people is pigeons have no respect and churlishly crap on them willy-nilly. I assume it’s random.
*When I end my Wednesday night radio show and say I’ll be back next week, I include the qualification “fingers crossed”. Eventually – and I hope it’s later rather than sooner – I won’t be back because I died and I’d rather not be remembered as a liar. When famous people die it’s reported that they “passed away”, which is peculiarly coy for the shock/horror media.
*My apologies, I obviously wasn’t paying attention and didn’t hear the explanation, but why do millionaires need regular tax cuts?
*The good news about Global Warming: you’ll get hot water from your cold water taps, slashing your power bills.
The bad news about Global Warming: you’ll have to repaint the house every few weeks. But at least you’ll have more money from your power bills.
*It’s tempting for many people to think life might be easier if they weren’t so sensitive. Certainly the lows are accentuated, but so are the highs. Sensitive people have an incredible gift, able to see lots of life’s wonders that are invisible to many others.
*Negative nitpicking knockers. Some people make snide remarks about artists who are one-hit wonders. At least those artists have had one more hit song than the pooh-poohers! I’d be proud to be a one-hit wonder. It’s a nice income earner too, from royalties. Apparently Gerry Rafferty made 80,000 pounds a year for “Baker Street”. It’s the pooh-poohers who should be pooh-poohed.
*Judging book covers. My 6-year old granddaughter asked me why my hair is like it is, and I said because I look like the great scientist Albert Einstein and maybe people will think I’m brainy. She’s a good practical joker and she smiled, but I think I got away with it. Some retailers who possibly thought I was a vagrant are less wary now that I wear my Vivaldi tee shirts.
*Global warming. Gosh, who should I listen to? On one side we have deep thinkers like Donald Trump and a handful of scientists who are paid millions of dollars by oil companies but are totally professional and impartial, and shame on you for even hinting a conflict of interest. And on the other side are all the world’s top scientists (bar a handful), but let’s face it they are quite lowly paid so can’t be very good at their job.
*Forgiveness. We’ve all been deeply hurt. And we shrug our shoulders and move on. I see it as a stab wound to the heart and the scar will always be there, whether or not we seemingly forgive. Is forgiveness irrelevant, a non issue, something we actually don’t need to even consider let alone agonise over?
*When we are on our death-bed will we believe we’ve done something meaningful with our lives? (Making lots of money and being famous isn’t meaningful).
*From wars to awards ceremonies, it doesn’t take much to bring out the worst in some people.
*Global Warming. It seems the official policy is “Don’t just do something, stand there”. If there are space aliens they’ll be shaking their heads (or whatever) in disbelief at out stupidity.
*The good news about Global Warming: there won’t be any insurance premiums.
The bad news about Global Warming: there won’t be any insurance companies.
*Scientists must be frustrated and angry that their repeated Global Warming warnings have for decades gone in so many ears and straight out the other side. They – like many of us – cannot believe that politicians have put company profits ahead of the human civilisation’s survival.
*The good news about Global Warming: there won’t be any tabloid newspapers.
The bad news about Global Warming: there won’t be any trees for newsprint.
*Melodramatic media. They never quote a plain old “expert”. That doesn’t meet their stellar standards. It’s always a “leading expert”. If I’m ever quoted by the media it’ll be exciting to be referred to as a leading journalist. Or leading philosopher!
*The Axis of Evil (updated): Greedies, Warmongers, and Eco vandals.
*Right-wing extremists have pulled off the greatest (and dumbest) PR con of all time with their red herring slogan Climate Change, but it won’t stop Global Warming from getting worse. Tragically, billions of people have been let down by the media who are complicit in this looming crime against humanity. It’s like the passengers on the Titanic being calmly told over the PA system “Everybody relax, we have a minor engine problem, please carry on as normal, have fun, enjoy yourself, there’s nothing to worry about”.
*Lurking behind the giant Climate Change neon sign is the Global Warming monster, getting bigger and bigger as it feeds off human apathy.
*Negative nitpicking knockers, and how to respond to them. Ask them two questions.
1) Just supposing you are a dickhead, do I care what you think?
2) If you are not a dickhead, do I care what you think?
WARNING: do not use this strategy on family members, employers, or police if you are in America.
*Qualified empathy is sensible because we never know the full story, and being gullible doesn’t help anyone.
*Negative nitpicking knockers. When Bob Dylan won the 2016 Nobel Literature Prize “experts” were deeply divided. Some were thrilled (yay!), others were outraged (boo!). Battlers can take heart from controversies like this, and keep dreaming. Life-changing luck could be just around the corner. Bob was a battler once.
*When you think you’ve found Shangri-la you kinda feel bullet-proof.
*I’m a list person. I like a list to assist my laid-back memory, and I love the existentialist philosophy and minimalist lifestyle.
*Jimi Hendrix and his two bandmates had three extensive U.S. tours in 1968. Jimi kept notes and sometimes wrote “SOS” in his diary – same old shit. As wonderful as democracy is in theory, after each election – even if a new mob is voted in – I feel like writing SOS in my diary.
*The creators of democracy made a rather large mistake. They assumed that everyone standing for public office would be selfless and ethical.
*Delusional. “Maybe if we don’t think or talk about Global Warming it’ll go away”.
*Evil. “I will be dead by the time Global Warming gets really bad and it’ll be someone else’s problem”. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa.
*All art is beautiful and must be treasured no matter where it may be on our 0-10 scale, if we have one. The world desperately needs as many artists as we can encourage, to hold back the Philistinian Army.
*A devilish delight. Hearing/watching/reading right-wing media windbags getting more and more hysterical and unhinged just before an election when they fear their mob is about to be booted out of office.
*Maturity is seeing the big picture and stepping around issues that when calmly and logically examined are relatively trivial. There’s an old joke about winning the argument but losing the marriage.
*Bob Dylan said songs aren’t going to save the world. Good, strong hearts can save the world, and those kinds of hearts are nourished by music.
*If you love dogs you love them all. But labradors always crack me up. I’d pay $10 just to watch a labrador for half an hour. I always imagine a thought bubble above a labrador’s head with the words (no matter what time of the day): “It must be lunchtime, my tummy is rumbling”.
*I have a horrible feeling our epitaph will read “Too little too late”.
Or perhaps “They were nice people but not very bright”.
*Creativity. How the hell does it happen? What a wonderful mystery. Some will say it’s a gift from God. It’s as if there are billions of ideas floating around the cosmos and some randomly pop into our brain. I’m always grateful.
*It’s amusing to watch male world leaders carry on like airhead peacocks. To quote one of my granddaughters: “(yawn) Whatever”.
*A handful of Commonwealth countries still have Sirs and Dames. Let’s bring back another centuries-old title. Several European rulers (going as far back as 871 AD) modestly added “the Great” to their first name. We could have Vladimir the Great, and Donald the Great. Mind you, some olden rulers were also called the Mad, the Fat, the Bald, and the Simple.